Moving to Spain Part 1 : Driving

As we have cats we decided that the best way for us to travel to our new home in Andalucia was by ferry to Santander and then on by road. This meant a 10 hour introduction to the Spanish roads and Spanish driving. This, as it turned out, was only slightly less dangerous than running the bulls in Pamplona dressed head to toe in red while carrying an anvil.

The Spanish disregard for laws is a thing of legend but you may be surprised to learn that on Spanish roads there ARE some very important rules.

You should drive no more than half a metre from the car in front
If the car in front indicates to overtake, it is important that you accelerate and pass it before it starts the manoeuvre.
Never, ever use the inside lane. This is strictly to be used for undertaking.
Assume that the other drivers on the road are driving too slow, they are idiots and they must be overtaken (and cut up).

The Spanish simply do not do (or seem to understand the concept of) health and safety and nowhere is this more obvious than on the roads. At present the road between us and our nearest village is being completely rebuilt. It is blocked off at each end by cones and there are huge signs indicating that it is closed. The Spanish simply move the cones and drive down it, navigating around the machinery, the workers and the huge holes. This nearly resulted in tragedy recently when a local lady drove around a (working) digger and straight off the cliff!

While drinking and driving is now illegal in Spain, its not really fully enforced. Spaniards drive everywhere and they like to have a Brandy for breakfast, lunch and dinner (Police and mayors included). I was talking with one of the older residents last week and he was recounting how he’d recently had a few too many and forgot about one of the roundabouts on the way home. When the Police arrived to find his car pointing skywards and him half-in, half-out, they simply corrected his motor and helped him back into the it.

But the fact is, closed roads and Brandy aside, I did complete my 10 hour baptism of fire, safely, and I now feel qualified to offer some excellent advice on how to drive like a Spaniard;

Drink a large Brandy before you set off.
Never use your indicators.
Or mirrors.
Get right up the arse of the car in front, overtake it and then slow down.
Stop half way through your journey and have another large Brandy.
When driving on narrow, or busy, roads stop and talk to your mates for half an hour (or just put your hazards on and go for a coffee).
When you complete your journey, celebrate with a Brandy.

And so, it seeems, that every Spaniard looks into his mirror (for vanity purposes only) and sees Fernando Alonso staring back at him. As I understand it, the Spanish driving test (a recent addition) is designed only to ensure that the learner can drive safely from A to B, where, presumably, A is one end of a straight road and B 50 yards further up it. Roundabouts are ideal places to park, pedestrian crossings are excellent places to practise your acceleration and the bodies of other cars are an excellent way to guide yourself into a parking spot.

My advice to you? Always check all of your mirrors all of the time, close your eyes before each manouevre and, most importantly, pray!

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